An Open Letter to Katherine Harris

Oh, Kathy.

I don’t know why you’re wearing what appears to be a golden goiter, either.

Was it your staffers, Kathy? Did they hold you down and wrap it around your neck?

You are so right. Staffers are bitches.

I have to confess though, Kath—I’m a little confused by your obsession with the Jews. You know I love the Jews too, sweetie, but you’re starting to scare me a little with the whole Queen Esther thing. I know that you think you are just like her, but here’s the thing, kitten—Esther wasn’t crazy.

So let’s try to get it together over these final days before the election, shall we?

And pull down your skirt, honey, you look like a tramp.

Adventures in Instant Messaging

This conversation is in response to an email, hailing a newly preggers colleague.

TheSensation: That's irresponsible. Isn't she, 23, and has a 10-yr-old already?
Q: So?
TheSensation: And she's not even that hot.
Q: Eh... she's kind of... latina hot.
Q: I bet that, before the first kid, she was the toast of the pupuseria.
TheSensation: ....
TheSensation: wow.
Q: Ole?
[TheSensation] has signed off.

Don't be jealous at how we do...

What happens when your friends are all famous, doing really important things -- getting interviews with huge newspapers, going on the radio, going on television, recognized in crowds, and literally changing the world?

I've been thinking about this recently. Wondering how a few of my friends are dealing with it. Because some of my friends are important and some aren't. How does that make the unimportant, useless ones feel?

Is it awkward when we get the best tables in all of the most exclusive restaurants?

Is it uncomfortable when our drinks are comp'd by a well-connected power player?

Is it crushing to not be able to join in conversations about Incredibly Important Things Concerning Incredibly Important People?

It must be difficult. It must make you feel small. It must make you feel irrelevant.

I don't subscribe to the Conservative-pull-yourself-up-by-your-bootstraps school of fame. I'm perfectly fine with my friends reveling in my fame while not aspiring to their own.

You guys just keep on keeping on. You're living your own dream. I respect that.

Order another round of happy hour beers.

I'll meet you at the Caucus Room later... dinner is on me.

Metro-spections: Thoughts from the Daily Commute

I enjoy judging other people. That's why my forty minute metro commutes in the morning and evening are often the highlight of my pathetic accounting existence (one of the five financial statement assertions, if you were wondering). If you didn't know, forty minutes on the metro is a lot of people. And I love every one of them.

Each rider is an unopened book . . . and we all know you judge a book by its cover. This adds up to an overwhelming amount of judging in 40 minutes. Fortunately, I've learned to focus my judging on the select few who deserve it most. I don’t prey on the weak and judge because I'm pretentious. I do it for pure entertainment.

For the novices out there, eavesdropping is the simplest tool for judging. Luckily for you, eavesdropping on the metro is as easy as Tara Reid. Just find that special couple who can't resist PDA or the co-workers with big mouths and stand by them. It's that easy. They'll do the rest for you.

You'll be entertained the entire trip. In fact, you'll probably be so engrossed in the absurdity of the experience, you'll forget all about why you're on the metro and where you're going. I actually consider it therapeutic because listening to other riders makes me feel good about myself.

But honesty, eavesdropping implies effort, and I make no effort to hear what metro riders are shouting these days.

What have you heard?

Republicans: Bringing Values Back. One Ho at a Time.

Good news! Racism is back—with a twist! Billionaire asshole J. Patrick Rooney is funding the historically fucking ridiculous America’s PAC who’s funding really awesome commercials like this one:

BLACK MAN #1: "If you make a little mistake with one of your 'hos,' you'll want to dispose of that problem tout suite, no questions asked."
BLACK MAN #2: "That's too cold. I don't snuff my own seed."
BLACK MAN #1: "Maybe you do have a reason to vote Republican."

... (awkward silence)

I don’t even really have the words or energy to shout about this one, but I will say this: no one says “seed” anymore.

Look who's coming to MNF..

I get that this isn't the time or the place and that this question might be better asked at a klan rally, but...um...who invited Charles Barkley?

Oh, Canada

It's Monday, and what may henceforth be known as the more literate portion of NTC has returned from that great city in the North...Toronto.

I get it, Canada. I get the conspicuous lack of trees, the snowing in October. I get the universal health care, and i totally get that whole re instead of er ending thing.

What i don't get, Toronto, is why your airport is such a shithole. What i don't get is why you insist on coins as primary methods of payment. (You bounce quarters off asses, kids--not dollars.)

What i DO NOT UNDERSTAND is WHY YOU ARE SO UNORIGINAL as to broadcast THREE American news stations and only ONE of your own...AND THE ONES YOU CHOSE WERE FROM BUFFALO.

BUFFALO.

BUFFALO?

BUFFALO.

That's why everyone shits on you, Canada. You take the worst of what America's got, and then you broadcast it. Oh, and also, because of shit like this:

Gay (the Scroll Down)

Gay:





















Gayer:

















Gayest:











Tony, Toni, Tone...did you forget it's televised? Cross-dressing is strictly for radio.

Bless you boys!

I love the Detroit Tigers. Always have, always will. I hate the Yankees. Always have, always will. And I hate Yankee fans even more. Always have, always will. My hatred for Yankee fans is only exceeded by my hatred for Tim McCarver (Tim if you're reading this, I'll throw acid at you and maim you for life so you can never ruin my baseball experience again!).

Although it came as no surprise to me, I knew the Tigers would play well this year. In fact, C & Q both provided more than sufficient ridiculing when I asserted, all the way back in April, the Tigers would raise more than a few eye brows this season. Nostradamus I am not, as even my eye brows were raised. Not in my wildest dreams did I believe these boys would play so well and achieve so much.

But it comes as no surprise these boys still get no respect. John Kruk was the only 'analyst' on 'Baseball Tonight' who picked the Tigers to win Saturday. Not that Tino Martinez can really be considered an 'analyst,' given his significant inability to be objective, but thank you Kruky for understanding!!

Leyland called New York's line up 'murder's row, and then Cano.' Many called it the greatest in the history of the game. Joe Morgan continued commenting Friday night that good pitching stops good hitting, but didn't think good pitching could stop great hitting. Ignorantly, he never connected the dots to realize sometimes good pitchers pitch great games. And he certainly never gave Detroit the respect and credit it deserves.

None of this is new for Detroit. And Detroit doesn't care. Detroit shrugs it off and finds inspiration. Maybe this is why I've always been a Detriot Tigers fan and always will.

Bless you boys! Restore the Roar!

Are you there God? It’s me, Rep. Foley (R-Fla.) Redux

Sorry about that. Had to answer a couple emails, and then I got paged. (If you take my meaning.)

Anyhoo—what’s it been—the last prayer breakfast? Seriously, we have got to catch up sometime.

But the reason I’m here, God, is that I want to assure you that contrary to whatever you may have heard, I did NOT…I repeat, did NOT drink while I was on duty. I’ve done a lot of things in my time and a lot of it was sex with minors, but I NEVER, EVER drank on the job.

I just wouldn’t do that.

Also, between you and me, Hastert is an asshole. So's Fordham.

I probably wouldn't kick him out of bed, though.

Amen.

Inappropriate Touching: Over-Under

So here in the DC bubble it's been Foley this and Foley that -- I.M. conversations, ambiguous e-mails, What It Means for Republicans, Hastert, blah,blah,blah.

These things are not important.

Everyone is losing sight of the Big Unknown: Did Foley Seal the Deal?

Gambling types that we are at NTC, we're running a pool. The Over-Under on the "REVELATION" that Foley actually touched one of these pages. The push date is next Wednesday -- so over-under on when we see ***BREAKING*** FOLEY FUCKED HIM on Drudge.

I'm taking the Over... but just barely. I think we see it next Thursday.

If you want in -- please send your $5 through Paypal.

Leave your entry in the comments.

Hooray for Stamps!

Maybe you too were born in Ohio and spent 3 weeks of the summer before 7th grade so fascinated by stamps you had to start your own collection. At least that's when I caught the fever.

The Elvis stamps were what got me. I went with the young Elvis because that was when he was really something. Few will admit it, but no one really liked fat Elvis except fat people, and maybe his cocaine connection. Americans just love a comeback tour and the more pathetic the better. Elvis: you had us at pink.

As you may know, numbers are my real passion (I heart you #27). Jeff560 at tripod helped all of us number lovers combine our passion for numbers with stamps by providing a comprehensive listing of stamps featuring prominent mathematicians throughout history . . . even Russia. This is a picture of a famous mathematician. Can you guess which one?
I can't read Russian either.

For some (read stupid) people, the excitement of collecting stamps is baffling. Listed below are just a few of the reasons to start collecting stamps from our friends at mysticstamp.com:

• When you collect stamps, you are in complete control.
• Stamps are affordable.
• Stamps have a real history and romance [and] could have been used by a President, prominent scientist, or beloved entertainer – the possibilities are endless.
• Stamp collecting always has something fun to offer... sorting, arranging and mounting your stamps, acquiring new ones, finding out the intriguing stories behind your stamps, exploring the fascinating world of watermarks, secret marks, errors, perforations, and so much more.
• Whatever your interest, stamps provide you with an oasis of pleasure in an often hectic world.

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Personally, I'd rather fuck a donkey than collect stamps.

What would you rather do than collect stamps?

Are you there, God? It’s me—Rep. Foley, R-Fla.

Hey, God---long time no talk. I know it’s been forever, but—oh, Christ. Hold on.

I just gotta answer this email.