March Madness

I get that it's NCAA championship time and that, in the absence of a school shooting, no one is sure what angle to take. But seriously, Washington Post? This is what we're doing?

Just in time for the resurrection of Christ, kids.

Caption Tuesday

Iowan college students are getting out the vote and apparently, eating a lot of bread. There's something awesome happening here...can you caption this?

I Hate Baseball

I wouldn't mind seeing the sport of baseball go down in flames. Though I'm not sure what all those people who follow it closely would do with their time. World of Warcraft?

This steroid report is awesome. And by awesome I mean: Really, Miguel Tejada?

"Hello, yes, I'd like to purchase some of your steroids. Who can I make that check out to? Oh, no, you can just send the illegal steroids to my home address using Fedex."

Since we've nixed that crack-cocaine sentencing distinction this week, I say we replace it with this: If you purchase drugs using a check, and then have the drugs sent across state lines (via USPS, UPS, FedEx) to your home address you deserve to go to jail forever. Or maybe consecutive terms of forever. We'll leave it to the sentencing judges' discretion.

John Stossel's Moustache would say: "Give me a break!" And then I'd slap that moustache right off his face. Because roid rage is unpredictable like that. And becasue of moustaches. Mostly.

Well Played, Black People

There's a certain amount of inevitability to this:

You know. In the way that someone coming up with a list of black people and using the word "beautiful" is sort of inevitable. This, however, i didn't see coming:

Suck on THAT, white people. Someone had to do it, and Black people did it first.

Also?

The "alive" qualification is really critical here, because otherwise:

Right?


White people: 215,235,324,324,116,938,922
Black People: 1

Our Offer...

Dear Brian of the website http://nothingclever.blogspot.com/,

It has come to our attention that you have appropriated our name and are using it for nefarious purposes. Who used what, first, is a matter for the lawyers. The basic fact is this: we are stronger than you, despite your "divinity degree" and penchant for "religion." If it comes down to a bare-knuckle brawl I give you this warning: You don't want to see how "M" fights. It is dirty, it is old-school, it is 60% verbal. You will not exit that stadium of blog gladiators the same man. Trust me.


You are no match for the unending chain of non-sequiturs I can link together in one post.


Brian, you and your sons must leave the internet in 48-hours. Your refusal to do so will result in blog conflict commenced at a time of our choosing. For their own safety, all your outgoing links, including "World's Greatest Band" and "Mike Nyman Photography," should leave your blog immediately. If you choose conflict, or refuse to vacate your blog after 48-hours, you will be visited by an internet campaign of shock, awe, and indie-rock music. Choose wisely and choose carefully.


We are now acting because the risks of inaction would be far greater. In one year, or five years, the power of Brian to inflict harm on all free blogs, innocently minding their own business until their names are also stolen, would be multiplied many times over. With these capabilities, Brian and his youth pastor allies could choose the moment of internet conflict when they are strongest. We choose to meet that threat now where it arises, before it can appear suddenly in our inboxes and Facebooks.


The clock is ticking Brian. The choice is yours.

Catching Up With: NTC!

I was at a cocktail party a few weeks ago when the hostess found out I was part of "one of those blogs.... on the internet." As much as I tried to steer the conversation to other topics, she just kept coming back to the blog. She had her reasons: "Our daughter, Brayleigh, is doing a report on 'blogs' for her 8th grade English class -- they're doing a unit on 'journalism.' It would be so wonderful of you if you'd allow her to conduct an interview." Tight from martinis and dry with excuses, I consented.

I gave Brayleigh a week to research NTC and set a time. It was a phone interview.

--Interview Transcript--

Brayleigh: Hey.

Q: Hi.

Brayleigh: So I read your blog. It was sort of weird. I didn't understand much of it. Like, where'd you get the name for it? Is that an old band?

Q: Um, no, it's not a band name. It's just... a play on words, but not like a pun... kind of Alanis-ironic? I was a little drunk when I thought of it. And you probably wouldn't understand much of it, because it's mostly inside jokes and adult humor and old pop culture references.

Brayleigh: Right. Well, why did you decide to put yourself out there on the internet?

Q: I don't know. Honestly, I don't. It was probably a really poor decision. But I don't like to quit, so there it is.

Brayleigh: Uh-huh. Why did you invite other people to put posts up?

Q: Well, I didn't have enough time to post much and I was having email conversations about things with my friends where we'd say "this is funny. it should be on the internet." So, we made that happen. Now, instead of 4 people laughing at each other's jokes, we're joined by another 5 people.

Brayleigh: Why did you have those moustache pictures up for so long? That was gross.

Q: You're gross. And I think those were sexy. Mostly mine, though. Z's was second rate. And he cheated.

Brayleigh: Did you just call me gross?

Q: I have no idea what you're talking about.

Brayleigh: What happened to "C"?

Q: I killed him.

Brayleigh: What?

Q: With Protestant whiskey.

Brayleigh: Why is your blog so racist?

Q: Next question.

Brayleigh: What? No. Answer that. It's a fair question.

Q: You're a fair question.

Brayleigh: Did you just call me--

Q: Look, I could ask you why you're such a stupid whore who can't even understand the hilarity of the most general of 80's references---

Brayleigh: I'm 14! I was born in '93!

Q: Whatever! My point is that girls shouldn't be reporters, so, NEXT QUESTION.

[phone beeps]

Brayleigh: Hang on, that's my other line.

[Q waits for five minutes]

Brayleigh: Sorry. My friends are so dumb! Anyway. What can we expect from your blog in the coming months?

Q: Um, well... more of the same, probably... Lack of posts. Inside jokes. Intellectual farting. Elitism. Posts consisting of two large photos from "M." References to things that happened before you were born.

Brayleigh: Sounds boring. Sorry. Um, are you glad you started a blog?

Q: Now that I've talked to you and had to think about what this thing is, no. In fact, I'll probably get drunk at some point in the next few months and take it all down. And then burn the computer that it began on, in my front lawn. Though mostly I'll just think about doing all that. And then pour another whiskey. Protestant whiskey.

Brayleigh: Wow. Ok! Well, thanks for talking to me. My mom says hello!

Q: No problem. My best to your parents. Good luck with your paper or article or whatever.

Brayleigh: Thanks!

Q: Oh, can I post this interview on NTC? I recorded it and it'll save me having to do an original post.

Brayleigh: You recorded it?

Q: You can never be too careful.

Brayleigh: Of what?

Q: Everything.

Brayleigh: Ok... whatever. Sure, post it... I don't care. No one I know reads your blog anyways.

Q: More people than that don't read it. But, yeah, thanks.

Brayleigh: Bye. [click]

.

The People's Court

Dateline: 7/24/07
Cross-country Flight

The Facts About Them: A pleasant British couple sit in the window and middle seats of my row.
An hour into the flight they break out DUELING copies of the latest Harry Potter and begin reading. This couple is mid-30's. They look middle class.

The Facts About Me: I am sitting in the aisle seat because I am smart. I am impeccably dressed. I am reading Harper's. I am judging them. Quietly.

Verdict: I am better than you, British Couple. Way better.

Also: Shouldn't you be reading Tennyson's Collected Works or something?

America's Next Top Dirty Facial Hair

Last week, Q and Z decided to stage a Moustache Competition.

Full disclosure: Z started a few days earlier. Q is generally more sexy.

You be the judge!

Leave your vote in the comments.

Q.

Z.