Redskins

Yeah, so the name may be a little offensive to some -- get over it. Last night, I sat down and watched my first Redskins game of the season. They stunk. It was looking good for a while -- the defense making stops, the offense moving the ball down the field. Then, Patrick Ramsey threw two interceptions. I shouted some obscenities after each. Something to the effect of, "Shit, fuck, Ramsey!!" And then I thought, why am I yelling about a game that doesn't even count?

A cold sweat broke out all over my body as I realized that I'd become a "victim fan." Oh, you know who you are out there. Full of shame, you watch your team lose game after game. Finding ever more unbelievable and Shakespearean ways to disappoint you.

The Victim Fan (VF) resides in the traditions of the Browns, the Redsox, the Cubs, and the Dolphins. The VF starts to refer to their sports team in the first person-inclusive, "We." Never satisfied with all the nights the VF spent last season crying himself to sleep, he irrationally builds his hopes and dreams for his team yet again. When VFs congregate they talk about all the "close calls," or (in the cases of some teams) the glory days, circa 1954. The VF blames the owner, the coach, the running back who "just wants to get paid," the trainer who forgot to bring Thurman Thomas' helmet to the Super Bowl -- everyone, it seems, but themselves.

If only the VF realized that if he cheered just a little louder, prayed a little harder, and didn't wash his replica jersey before the playoffs, his team would be successful.

That, or maybe if they fired that shit-head quarterback who couldn't read a zone blitz if the linebackers were holding up giant index cards with the phrase "Zone Blitz" emblazoned on them, I'd see the playoffs for the first time since Doug Williams. Jesus.

Feel sorry for me.
I am a victim.

I am a Redskins fan.