It Could Be Worse

Alright, listen. I realize that what I've written so far is neither the funniest nor the most entertaining stuff you have ever read. But guess what? I'm not The Daily Show, nor am I The Onion. I don't want to be McSweeney's. All I really ask is that if you come to this site, you acknowledge that someone (Me) has been slaving over a hot blog-stove all day to produce whatever roast-cleverness you have just feasted your eyes on. I need some comments!

Half the point of doing this was to invite commentary and conversation among you, the loyal readers. Don't go all Tommy Quarterback, fingerbanging me in the back of your Blog-Buick only to bail out when I want to talk about "us." I need some love -- true love.

And, because I was raised on guilt, this post is dedicated to showing you the kind of crap you could be reading. So, without further ado, an excerpt from a blog dedicated to -- Pool Chemicals and Pool Safety.

Did you know that drowning is one of the leading killers of Sailors in recreational mishaps? It is preventable if you follow these tips: 1. Learn how to swim 2. Swim only in authorized areas 3. Don't drink alcohol and swim 4. Never swim alone 5. Know the depth of water before you dive 6. Always wear a flotation device while boating.

Two Marines went swimming in a rain-swollen drainage ditch. They were swept away into a pipeline and drowned. Use some common sense when you're outdoors, so you can live to enjoy some more fresh air. A broken neck can spoil your day in paradise.

If you're going to drink like a fish, don't try to swim. Your chances of ending up as a statistic are pretty good. A Sailor sat in his hot tub after an evening of drinking. To cool off, he dove into a pool that was four feet deep, hit his head and suffered cuts and a compression fracture. Diving in shallow water isn't smart for anybody, and swimming when you've been drinking is inviting disaster.

By: Tim -- Swimming Safety

This example of blogs-that-could-instantly-kill-a-creative-writing- professional wouldn't be fitting for NTC if I didn't endeavor to rip it apart. Let's begin at the beginning, shall we?

Why is this guy, Tim, obsessed with the safety of Sailors and Marines? Are they the only ones who suffer water related deaths? Oh, wait, I get it. We're supposed to be blown away by the fact that people who's JOB it is to know the water are ALSO susceptible to its dangers. Oooooh. Yeah, see what happens when you try to be clever by being overtly clever?

What is a "recreational mishap"?

Is learning how to swim really the first step in swimming safety? I thought it would be something like, "Keep that baby away from the pool!" Or, "Don't tie rocks around your ankles."

Rule 3 and 4 seem to present all sorts of problems. Social people are usually going to drink around a pool. Then they might take a swim. But, they won't be alone. If you are alone, and at a pool, and contemplating swimming, and not drunk -- something is seriously wrong. And, it isn't safety-related.

Where did that boating rule come from? Who was talking about boating? Whah?

Okay, who invited the Marines, and why are they playing in a drainage ditch as though they are me, circa 1985?

I have no qualms with "A broken neck can spoil your day in paradise." In fact, I just had it tattooed across the small of my back.

It's one thing for the Sailors and Marines to get killed while doing their DUTY -- you know, on the HIGH SEAS -- but, why does Tim have to kill them in a backyard pool or drainage ditch? Like these poor bastards don't have it hard enough? I mean, Sailors are only Sailors because they couldn't hack it in flight school. And, Marines are usually 19 years-old and fleeing a broken home. Don't they have enough on to worry about without strapping on a life-vest before slipping into the hot tub after a full day of Sailor-ing/Marine-ing?

I think doing a blog about swimming pools is inviting disaster.

Do you see now? Do you see how good you have it?

One day I'll be gone -- probably from a cramp in the middle of a lake (depth unknown) I had jumped into, drunk and alone and unlife-vested and not knowing how to swim, after just eating a meatloaf sandwich 10 minutes prior.

I'll slip silently beneath the cold, black water.

Then you'll be sorry.