"How's Grandma?"

--"Dude, Grandma's dead."
Survivor fans remember this exchange. It got Johnny Fairplay through a round of voting and, upon learning his grandmother wasn't really dead, it earned him the ire or admiration of viewers everywhere.

It is, for better or worse, the old "Grandma Excuse." I've used it a few times. Once to get out of a college class to see a Guster concert. Once to get out of the last few days of a job I hated. And once, though this is a variation on the practice, to make an anecdote in an essay a little more poignant.

Using a dead grandmother, and the ensuing funeral, to get out of something is praised by some as genius and derided by others as dastardly, immoral, and just plain wrong. (Note: the latter group's judgment is often influenced by the fact that they are usually too chicken, too unimaginative, or too far up Jesus' ass to ever attempt the Grandma Excuse).

Like any good con, however, the Grandma Excuse must be employed with extreme prejudice and be executed with flawless observation of "The Rules." Derivation from The Rules is possible, but only if the excusee is an artist in the truest sense of the word.

What follows are The Rules for the Grandma Excuse:

1. You cannot claim the death of a grandmother who has already passed away. This is the coward's way out. If there is no fear of karmic retribution, no belief that what you are doing is so totally wrong that the universe will exact a horrible revenge on your still-living grandmother, you will not possess that edge, that gleam in your eye that silently screams to your excuser, "Oh My God, My Grandma is Dying/Dead!"

2. Never scream "Oh My God, My Grandma is Dying/Dead!" Such outright emotion is unlikely for someone who is actually losing their grandmother. The passing or sickness of a grandmother is an emotionally confusing experience. She gave you peppermints and made you French toast. You didn't see her a whole lot, but your Mom is pretty upset, so you are too...kinda. Remember, this death is a swirling, ambiguous emotional cornucopia. It isn't true, or real, or earnest.

3. Talk quietly when you explain the situation. It will remind your excuser of funerals, of wakes, of talking to the bereaved. (Remember, that's You.) It might even cause the excuser to breakdown themselves -- thinking back to the passing of their own grandmother. Just make sure to Keep it Together. Don't get drawn in and start crying yourself. Chances are, you'll just end up laughing because, come on, grandmas are pretty funny.

4. Make the excuse in person. Only use email or the phone if it is absolutely necessary. The Grandma Excuse must be planned. You must be in character and in control. If you're using the phone or the computer to communicate with the excuser, chances are you're already in the midst of whatever selfishness you needed the excuse for. Selfishness involves alcohol. If you're drunk and try to make the Grandma Excuse I don't even know you. Amateur.

5. Keep track of your grandmothers. Only a complete idiot would forget to whom he/she had made the Grandma Excuse. But, since most of you are idiots, we have a little something I like to call...

5.a.subpart1. When using the Grandma Excuse make it clear that your grandmother is on her Death Bed -- not sick and NEVER dead. A sick grandmother will be asked about (by a polite and concerned excuser) after you return -- sometimes we aren't in the right frame of mind after an Excuse Trip, sometimes we forget, with a blank stare, "My grandma?" It is this very mindlessness for which 5.a.subpart1. was created. A grandmother who is on her death bed can either die -- and no one will ask about her: "So, how was the funeral?" -- or can miraculously get better. The Miracle is what you should use in the event that you forget that you already used the Excuse with that particular excuser. "Oh, yeah, well she snapped out of it kinda, but then she just took a turn for the worst."

Is it diabolical? Evil?

Have YOU ever seen Guster play a small venue, live?

She'd have wanted you to. (Sniff)