Uncle Richard, Me, and James Earl Jones

If you live in DC you've probably seen commercials for Verizon featuring their spokesperson, James Earl Jones. It is a pretty, pretty, pretty sad affair. Jones, famous for his portrayal of Darth Vader, that writer in Field of Dreams, and a little known cameo in Dr. Strangelove, marches around a set asking people about Verizon products. At one point, a television within one of the ads shows Jones, gussied up in cowboy garb, riding a horse and spinning a lasso (does one spin or twirl a lasso?). The first time I saw this commercial, I burst into tears. What had they done to James? How had the man with the deep, sugary voice been reduced to such tripe?

James, calling on behalf of Verizon last week, gave me the chance to answer these questions.

[cell phone rings]

JEJ: Hello, this is James Earl Jones of Verizon Wireless. As a part of the Verizon family you are entitled to our latest offer of--

Q: James, is that really you?

JEJ: Whah, ah, hello?

Q: James! I'm a huge fan -- I loved you in all your movies. And on the stage, I mean, I'm assuming you do theater... I've never seen you on stage.

JEJ: Yes, I do theater, and thank you. What I'm calling about, though, is our "new-line addition" discount--

Q: Yeah, that's great, but before we get down to the details on THAT, I'd like to ask you something.

JEJ: Shoot.

Q: What the in the HELL are you doing? You're a huge film and stage star! You're probably set for life with royalties and things. Why are you working for some second rate phone company?

JEJ: Yeah, well, it isn't that bad, I mean--

Q: James! Have you seen your commercials?!

JEJ: Okay, I'll be straight with you. I'm addicted to Meth. I started a few years ago and it just took over my life. I mean, thank god it isn't crack, but that stuff has a hold on me. I'm out of cash, man. I'll do anything for my next fix.

Q: No way. I've seen that commercial with you in the cowboy outfit, spinning the lasso, there's--

JEJ: It's twirling. You twirl a lasso.

Q: Oh. Well, whatever. There's no way Meth is doing that to you. You're a classically trained actor. I know you'd rather give blowjobs on the street for cash if you were faced with dressing up like a cowboy. Jesus, and they made you wear that hat...

JEJ: Okay, okay! [voice lowers to a whisper] Listen, they have my family. They've threatened to kill everyone I love if I don't do their bidding. They strap me in this chair, in a room with only one light bulb and an auto-dialer, and I make these promotional phone calls day after day -- when I'm not shooting their shitty commercials.

Q: Shit. Who's "they," James? Where can I find you? I'll bust you outta there, just give me a general location--

JEJ: I don't know where I am [unintelligible background noise] Shit. They're coming. [Normal Voice] Well, I'm sorry we can't interest you in our latest offer. I'll call back in a month with another exciting innovation from Verizon Wireless. Thank you for your time and have a great day!

[dialtone]

So there you have it. Fucking Verizon. Just imagine what T-Mobile is doing to Catherine-Zeta. We need to get him out of there. Let me know if you get a fix on his exact location.

Regulators.... mount up.