Equal Time

I watched John Roberts. I saw him talking to that Senate Committee. I felt as though he was my friend. And you, Samuel Alito, are no John Roberts.

Where John was smart, you are a geek.

Where John was good looking, you are not.

Where John was well-spoken, you sound like Sean Penn in that retarded daddy movie.

Sam, you're like that dorky kid we all knew in high school. You still brought your baseball cards to lunch. You got punched in the stomach at random in the hallway. You were in debate club. And whenever the football team wanted to talk about your views on abortion's place in the constitution, you just talked about Stare Decisis.

But just so you know, Sam, becoming a Supreme Court Justice won't end your lifetime of geekdom. Turns out Sandra Day was the patsy for all the pranks Briar and Rehnquist used to play. And I hear Roberts is a creative and cruel practical joker. Just last week he had Thomas' robe sewn shut. I can only dream of what awaits a legal-wonk like you...

Your saving grace may be your hot daughter. I'd throw her on the "mercy" of the court (Stevens likes 'em young). And when she turns 18... have her give me a call.