Wow, Baltimore?

There ain't too much postin' today because NTC took a road trip to The Charm City last night (sans, "C"). After Z almost got us lost in the wrong part of town (is there a right part of town in Baltimore?), we arrived at Sonar, intact. Our mission was to take in a Long Winters show.

Mission: Accomplished. It was amazing.



I don't have the energy or focus today to describe everything. It was a small venue, under a 100 people were in the room, and the band played for about 2 hours without a set list -- just asking us what we wanted to hear. Amazing.

What Made Milwaukee Famous also put on a decent show.

Check The Long Winters' site for tour dates. If they are coming to your hood any time soon, you should definitely check 'em out.

Bosom Buddies

From the people that brought you all the other inane news of today, comes a report that Tom Hanks has been named the most trustworthy celebrity in Hollywood. According to Forbes, Mr. Hanks was selected from a list of 1,500 celebrities—a list that actually included Ron Howard.

Ron Howard?

Really?

I’d like to see this list, because I bet it doesn’t include Steven Seagal. I LOVE Steven Seagal. I TRUST Steven Seagal. Would Tom Hanks even know what to do in a terrorist situation?


Terrorist: On your knees, or we’re blowing up the building!
Tom Hanks: But I have to deliver this package!
Terrorist: I said on your knees!!
Tom Hanks: WAIT a minute! Which one of you assholes stole my volley ball? Where’s Wilson? WHAT DID YOU ASSHOLES DO WITH WILSON?

Really, America? We trust a man that acted opposite a volley ball, but we don’t trust the man that starred in movies with titles like Half Past Dead and Today You Die? Sounds a little fucked up to me.

Comcastic-Fascism!

Dear Comcast,

You are evil. I subscribe to your unreliable cable and internet services. I endure long call times after my modem stops working. Lately, I've missed more work babysitting your inept service technicians then from hangovers. Each month, I bend over and write you a check for this 'service.' Isn't that enough?

I'm writing to inform you that if I see one more Comcastic commercial, I'm going to set the next Comcast van I see on fire. It's simple: for each Comcast commercial I see, I set one Comcast van on fire. It's time to put an end to Comcastic-Fascism.

In the year 2006, I thought we as a country, and as consumers, were sophisticated enough not to be fooled by fake journalists and infomercials (except for USA Today, of course). Did anyone at your company really think the 'Consumer Update' commercial series was funny or effective? If you did, then go play in traffic. I'm not even going to address the turtles.

Finally, if I already subscribe to your cable service and am watching a cable channel, there is no need for you to advertise for your cable service. How much advertising money are you losing each day? Did anyone ever tell you, that you are a monopoly and don't need to advertise? You have it better than the cigarette companies: Americans are addicted to TV and will always subscribe (Congress: Please form a committee to investigate TV addiction and how cable companies are hiding the truth. Drug Companies: Please R&D a prescription drug or gum for this addiction).

Dear elected government official,

In a free country, we're supposed to have choice. Your inactions guaranteed Americans all across the country will continue to be subjected to Comcastic-Fascism: cable monopolies ruining your constituents' attempts to view television programming without service interruptions or subscription commercials written by Marketing 101 students at the local community college.

In order to 'touch base' with your constituents, I'd like to request you subject yourselves to viewing, in their entirety, the Comcast 'Consumer Update' and 'Slowski' series. You may find them useful at Guantanamo.

I trust you'll do the right thing local elected government official. And your constituents will re-elect you by a landslide.

An Open Letter to Tara Reid

Oh, Tara.

Tara, Tara, Tara….what is EVEN happening to you? Is it your people, Tara? Are your people hiding your hairbrushes and painting your face while you sleep? Is it the boobs? Has the silicone started leaking and affected your brain?

I get it, Tara. Those bitches don’t know you. Those bitches want to be you. They wish they had your fake boobs and bird nest hair. You fucking invented that look. But, if I may be candid (and I feel like somebody ought to be) …I think you may have crossed the line. I think you may have hit a wall.

I think we may have to amputate.

I hear you, kiddo…life is hard. You should’ve been Josie in that goddamn Pussycat movie---American Pie was your Erin Brockovich! And fucking Carson Daly? The manorexic equivalent of a land war in Asia?

Mistakes, Tara. We all make them. But not all of us buy new boobs to make them go away. And wandering around like you’re waiting for De Palma to notice you’d be great in Carrie 3: Undead and Stacked, is not the way to go.

I know, sweetie. It’s a bad situation made worse by your hair.

So fucking comb it.

It Takes a Village (of idiots)

NTC got really heavy a few months ago. I just couldn’t carry it any longer, so I enlisted my friend, P, to help. That just made things worse. My back and shoulder pain persisted, AND I had to endure long-unfunny-yawner posts. That’s when I shouted, to no one in particular, “Enough is enough!”

So now we’ve got a whole bevy of contributors to NTC. They are all smarter and funnier than I am, which means lots of posts will be deleted out of utter jealousy. I axed them to write a short description of themselves and I provided an example of how I’d do it. Being the creative souls that they are, they followed my example exactly. Good news for a control-freak like me, bad news for readers hoping to see some variety.

So here they are: “C,” “M,” and “Z.” *Sigh* I realize (much, much too late) that this blog just became all about Class A drugs and jokes about finance. Oh well.

The Usual Suspects

C. Confused, lost, poor. Carries the stench of poverty like a badge of honor. Unable to see how others are laughing at him.

M. Two parts whiskey, three parts coke, a whole lot of Truth. Stir.

Z. Two words: Numbers don't lie. Lost in his twenties never to return. Lethal in copious amounts or Tuesday evenings. Literal. Careful. Reflective.

Push it to the Limit

I sojourned down to Austin, Texas this past weekend for the Austin City Limits music festival. I had always thought the festival was some weird thing on PBS, moslty featuring bands I'd never heard of, but come to find out it's just a weird thing happening in REAL TIME, mostly featuring bands I'd never heard of. I'll have to admit: I expected to see more hippies. What I found, however, was one of the cleanest, most well organized, laid-back large gatherings of people I have ever experienced. For someone who doesn't really like large crowds or loud music I had a great time!

I've written a few descriptions of the bands that I heard. They fall into three categories:

The Suck (these bands sucked your precious time and energy with their false promise of a good show/set)

Postcard Worthy (these are bands that were good, but not great -- you'd probably include them on the list of bands you heard when you write that postcard to your girlfriend explaining it's over because all the girls in Austin are way hot)

Rocked my 'lil Ass (these bands made you forget about the what-the-fuck-late-September-heat and you just got up and jumped around because you couldn't help it)

For those who know me it might be weird to see me using "rock" as an adjective. Get over it. For those who don't know me and question my music-reviewing credentials, a) this isn't Pitchfork and I don't front as some expert; and, b) if you find yourself saying "oh that's so obvious, why would he even write about THAT band they are so well known, he should have written about that indie...." go eat some Burger King chicken fries and fuck you too.


The Suck:

Gnarls Barkley -- I don't like to just write bands off as "one hit wonders." I have often wondered if maybe some of the one hit bands actually had some other good songs that never really caught on. I've thought, "You know, I'm not sure Lou Bega really got a fair shake with that 'one hit' label." I brought this attitude into Gnarls Barkley. I did not leave with it. He really only has that one song. And by "really only has" I mean everything else they did really sucked. Some covers? Really? You came to this huge festival and played some covers? Of The Doors? Really? Really.

Willie Nelson -- He is so old that his larynx has begun to petrify. You couldn't hear him in the back where I was sitting. People began shouting "turn it up." But then they realized they were talking about "turning up" Willie Nelson so they all sat down in shame. Fuck Willie Nelson.

Van Morrison -- Wait, when did Van start loving Jesus so hard? Also, blues? WTF? For a festival that was totally cool there were way too many white couples "swaying" to this music for my taste. He also didn't play enough old stuff. Lameness.


Postcard Worthy

Gomez -- If this band came to DC I'd say, "Oh, I saw them in Austin." And then the homeless guy on the metro would ask, "Were they any good?" And I'd say, "I'm not paying to see them again, but yeah, they were good." Pretty much everything they played sounded the same... but it was decent music, so it was a lot of the same decent music. mmEh.

Iron and Wine -- They were pretty subdued and the sun was going down and I had just opened a Lone Star -- it was exactly what I needed at that point. They have a great live sound, though there was a whole lot of feedback that kept happening. I think the lead singer had some kind of microphone or something in his beard that kept fucking with the sound? I wouldn't go see these dudes at a small club venue though... they're made for an outdoor, night-time concert.

The Shins -- Yeah, ok, The Shins are pretty good. Whatevs. They didn't rock my socks off. Enough has been written about them anyway.

Wolfparade -- My buddy wanted to see these guys and it was a good choice. Apparently they were missing their drummer. I'm not sure if that made a difference, but I thought they were pretty sweet. It was about 8,000 degrees at that point in the day and I may have passed out had they not held my attention. I wouldn't go out and buy their record, but it was a great live show -- I'd see them if they came to DC.

Kings of Leon -- I kind of heard these guys as I was standing in line for shrimp flautas. They were good and upbeat and "my kind of music" (that qualification is totally arbitrary, derived from the "mmmm I like the way this sounds" test). I fully endorse them.

Aimee Mann -- First, she needs to eat something. She was like a skeleton playing a guitar. Second, she made a joke about Phil Collins winning "her" Oscar with his "bullshit monkey love song," which instantly won "my" heart. I do love her voice and her songs. That doesn't make me gay, it just makes me open-minded. Also, she needs to eat something -- I offered her a shrimp flauta, but she declined.


Rocked my 'lil Ass

Guster -- So I don't really lurve Guster's new album -- too many sad, slow songs, too little of the bongos. But, they played more old stuff than new. I've seen them a whole bunch of times in many different venues and they are just awesome each time. Sometimes you go to a concert and you're like "That was cool." And sometimes you go to a concert and you're like "Wow, that was FUN." Guster is fun. Always.

John Mayer -- Maybe I've been jealous of his ghoulish-good looks, but I've never really given John Mayer much credit. And by that, I mean, I've liked his songs but I've chalked it up to his smoky, slatey voice and his brooding lyrics. Yeah. My bad. The man can play the shit out of a guitar. I'm pretty sure that after one of the songs the guitar broke free from the shoulder strap, on fire, and just exploded. Mayer's new "bluesy" sound is most cool. As much as I wanted to hate him I just couldn't. I'd love to see a full show.

The Long Winters -- Maybe you've heard the buzz about this band, maybe not. They were rad. They played in this tent thing, which had the perfect small venue feel that these guys thrive in. Their set seemed a little short and I didn't get to the "we're also playing later" show, but they are coming to Baltimore in a couple weeks so I'll catch them then. Also, the lead singer looks like a young Elton John.

Thievery Corporation -- Hometown favoritism aside, the Thieves do a great live show. Some people were surprised by the belly dancing. I was surprised by the overwhelmingly positive response I received for my belly dancing. The show was diverse and upbeat and perfect for the festival. Oh, and there was this girl with a giant hulla hoop in the crowd who got lost on the way to seeing The String Cheese Incident or some such Jamband bullshit. My punch to the kidney stopped the hulla-ing in no time, so you can all rest easy.

The Raconteurs -- Yeah, so, holy fuck they rock. Just a good 'ole fashioned rock 'n roll show. Is there anyone scarier than Jack White? Or sexier? This show got me up and out of my chair and I jammed like the white guy I am. Oh, and once you hear that "steady as she goes" song live, you never get it out of your head. Ever.

ACL was a blast. I recommend it to anyone who doesn't like concerts or heat. I don't recommend it to dirty hippies... you might get punched in the kidney.