Fashion Tip #147

Ladies, stop wearing the boots that go over your jeans.

They make your ass look big.

Ask anyone who doesn't depend on you for sex.

Truth.

Umbrella Accountability

Rain.

If you want to stay dry, you pull out an umbrella. Fair enough. But you need to be responsible for that umbrella. You need to be aware of the new shape you take when you put that umbrella up.

It's like pulling a trailer. You have to realize your back-end ain't where it used to be.

And if you can't handle umbrella responsibility, buy a rain hat. Because if you poke me...

If YOU poke me...

I reserve the right to knock you down.

And maybe I will.

Maybe it will happen on the corner of King and Harvard.

Maybe.

And I don't care how old you are -- biatch.

2008

You may have heard about the "bin Laden truce offering" yesterday. But you haven't heard the latest buzz coming out of New Hampshire and Iowa. NTC has obtained exclusive access to direct mailers that'll be going out to eligible voters very soon. If you paid close attention to what OBL was saying yesterday you probably heard what we did: Osama is running in 2008 -- as a DEMOCRAT!

No word yet on a campaign website. But I'm sure the 'ole Dean-iacs are putting an online fundraising site together as we speak. Good luck guys! See you in New Hampshire!

**The idea for this post came from P. -- on the walk back from Subway. Good work P.! See you in New Hampshire! Oh, wait...already made that joke...

James Frey's Pants...

...Are on fire. Liar.

No, I'm not late to this story. I was just waiting to get the straight dope -- right from the addict's mouth. It took all of 2 minutes of James on "Larry King Live" for me to shout "Liar!" at the T.V.

First things first: Frey looks like a wuss. How was The Smoking Gun the first one to notice this and then start checking records?? There is NO WAY this dude was threatening anyone in a treatment clinic, or at Denison University. Imagine him delivering some of the dialogue from his book in that lispy, high-pitched voice of his...

Second, whether it's a memoir or a biography or a travelogue, if you lied -- you lied. The genre of writing does not excuse what you do within it. To excuse "embellishments" because "oh, but it's a memoir," is irresponsible. Why? Because, stupidly or not, actual real life people have decided to follow Frey's methods of beating addiction. And when many "little" embellishments never took place, you'd have to wonder whether any of it really took place. Did you really use Taoism to beat addiction, James? Don't we all have to call that into question now? What about all those people who took you at your word, ignored traditional methods, and tried to fight their demons with will-power as you "did"? What happens to them?

I guess we're all to blame. We're the enablers -- buying this book, reading it, recommending it to our friends. We forgot that addicts are liars. And liars lie.

I hope the Tao punishes you for your transgressions, James.

And once you're down, maybe Jesus can give you a swift kick to the ribs...

Equal Time

I watched John Roberts. I saw him talking to that Senate Committee. I felt as though he was my friend. And you, Samuel Alito, are no John Roberts.

Where John was smart, you are a geek.

Where John was good looking, you are not.

Where John was well-spoken, you sound like Sean Penn in that retarded daddy movie.

Sam, you're like that dorky kid we all knew in high school. You still brought your baseball cards to lunch. You got punched in the stomach at random in the hallway. You were in debate club. And whenever the football team wanted to talk about your views on abortion's place in the constitution, you just talked about Stare Decisis.

But just so you know, Sam, becoming a Supreme Court Justice won't end your lifetime of geekdom. Turns out Sandra Day was the patsy for all the pranks Briar and Rehnquist used to play. And I hear Roberts is a creative and cruel practical joker. Just last week he had Thomas' robe sewn shut. I can only dream of what awaits a legal-wonk like you...

Your saving grace may be your hot daughter. I'd throw her on the "mercy" of the court (Stevens likes 'em young). And when she turns 18... have her give me a call.