Pulped

Whilst browsing the shelves at my local grocery store last night, I decide to make an orange juice purchase. Orange juice is not something I've consumed in quite some time, and I was excited about my decision to re-enter the OJ market.

As I approached the chilled juice area, a feeling of nausea swept over me as subterranean temperatures from the open air storage cooler mixed with my worst fear: making a personal choice in public.

I understand its orange juice people. I understand no one is judging me by which brand of OJ I select or even which carton size I decide to purchase. And I KNOW I'm not at Barnes & Noble or Best Buy where my choice could impress the 'not really hot but I'll flirt with her anyways cashier' enough that I'd leave my phone number instead of my John Hancock. BUT. I really HATE making decisions in front of people in public places.

So after a few quick glances each way down the aisle, I came to a halt. In a few moments the thirty-something blonde in those pink warm-up outfits and too much make-up would meander my way and realize I'd been trying to pick out an OJ for a suspiciously long period of time. THEN it would be over: I'd be found out. I needed to make my choice quick-like, and sneak the selected OJ carton into my hand held cart like I was stealing it.

Then it hit me.

There are 13 fucking styles of Tropicana Orange Juice and 14 fucking styles of Minute Maid Orange Juice:

Tropicana: Pure Premium Orange Juice: No Pulp, Some Pulp, Lots of Pulp, Calcium + Vitamin D, Lots of Pulp Calcium + Vitamin D, Specialty Orange Juice: Fiber, Low Acid, Healthy Heart, Healthy Kids, Antioxidant Advantage, Light 'n Healthy Orange Juice, Light 'n Healthy with Calcium, Light 'n Healthy with Calcium with Pulp, and Organic Orange Juice

Minute Maid: Country Style, Active, Multi-Vitamin, Heart Wise, Vitamins C&E plus Zinc, Home Squeezed Style, Home Squeezed Style + Calcium and Vitamin D, Kids+, Low Acid, Original, Original + Calcium, Pulp Free, Orange Passion, and Orange Tangerine.

Who decided this was necessary?

Pick an orange, juice it, and pour it into a glass. Done. Period. Don't add calcium or vitamin D. Fuck Fiber. If you can't handle the acid, then drink Tang. It's orange juice, you can't make it any healthier. Sorry Minute Maid, but I'm just not a Home Squeezed OJ kind of guy.

I'm done with you orange juice. You and the uber-competitive front you've established to hide your oligopolistic bastardization of what was once a simple and tasty juice.