Thanksgiving in O-H-I-O

I always go back to my small hometown in Ohio for Thanksgiving. And people not familiar with the Midwest always ask, "What's Ohio like?" Usually I say, "Oh you know, Corn, Boredom, Corn." But as the years have gone by I've started to amend that answer to: "Oh you know, Corn, Boredom, Jesus."

Why Jesus? Because in Ohio, Jesus saves:

This is a gigantic plaster (some think it looks like it's crafted from butter) statue that sidles right up to I-75, right outside Dayton. Although I suppose it doesn't so much sidle as much as it LEAPS from the water -- ready 'n able to save all the godless, sinning drivers.

But who really needs the saving? Or, more directly, who could have truly benefited from the savings derived from not building the "Butter Jesus"?

I'm not going to get all global and talk about AIDS and Malaria -- but couldn't those local people have spent their money on, oh I don't know, local kids? Say, maybe, school kids in Dayton? -- a school district where only 30-some% of children graduate from High School. How many after school programs, good teachers, fun books does a butter Jesus buy?

And that's the problem: Christians are stupid. You don't agree? Look at that picture of Butter Jesus again -- smiling over the highway overpass. Now go ahead and argue your points.

What? I can't hear you. Butter Jesus is whispering something to me. He's saying: "The Bible's not real. I was just a dude. Please get me out of this lake..."

[this post is dedicated to my favorite Auntie. Love you.]

Lost: Soul

I don't know how many of you are working real jobs with real corporations that require you to make decisions that "challenge" your ethical sensibilities. I have the, um, opportunity to work with such corporations and make such decisions on a daily basis. And last week, I lost my soul.

I didn't notice it at first. There was no giant sucking sound, no deal with the devil. I was just going about my day, making corporate America slicker and richer, when it happened. *Poof* With one click of my email send button -- Gone.

How did I know I'd lost my soul?

On my way back from the Metro station that night I saw the most adorable puppy making it's way down the sidewalk. As the puppy sidled up to me I kicked it -- square in its stomach -- sending it right into the middle of the street. Nano seconds later, a huge dump truck turned the puppy into a slick spot on the road. My reaction? Disgust at the stray puppy hairs now stuck to the top of one of my Clark's.

Someone needs to organize a search party, and fast.

My soul is light green, with pink spots. It's about 2 feet in circumference, and has a velvety texture.

It was last seen outside the Corporate Headquarters of Exxon.

Shoot me an email if you find it. The puppies, children, flowers, and hippies in my neighborhood won't be safe until I get it back.