Shut the flap up

Some would argue ocean levels were on the rise as a result of global warming: I think it's just the result of my leaking toilet.

Here's how NTC fixes a leaking toilet:

1. Identify Problem: Leaking Toilet (noticed 3 months previous).

2. Tools Needed: 3 months of laziness, two Stella Artois, Andrew Bird's 'The Mysterious Production of Eggs' LP (whistle while you work), new toilet flapper, NTC attitude.

3. Tools not needed: Bob Villa (umm . . . you still have a beard, sir).

4. Estimate Cost:

Two Stella: $4
New Toilet Flapper: $5
Andrew's LP: $12
1 hour: I usually charge between $130 and $150 an hour

Laziness = 3 months of leaking toilet x 4 weeks x 7 days x 24 hours x 3 (20 minutes to empty the tank) x 1.6 gallon tank equals 9,676.8 gallons of water leaked.

There are 3.8 Litres per gallon and 1 litre of Evian is $2 (could you imagine using Deer Park H2O as toilet water in Arlington?). So, 1 gallon of Evian is $7.60.

Total cost of water from leaking toilet over the previous 3 months = $73,543.68

Total Cost: $73,694.68

5. Procedures: After procuring the new toilet flapper from your local hardware store, put in music, and grab one (1) Stella. Turn off water to toilet, remove lid, and flush till tank is empty. Remove old flapper. Attach new flapper. Turn water back on and replace lid.

Open the remaining Stella, turn down the music, and celebrate the silence you've longed for after three months of hell because your apartment no longer sounds like a waterfall.